


Selfie

by Laika_the_wife, Tuii



Series: Reflections [6]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, POV Isak Valtersen, Pain, Punishment, Roughness, Shit Gets Dark, Webcams, boundaries crossed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 05:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13288047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_wife, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: As the weeks went by, Isak’s guilt over what he was doing to Tom had become unbearable. He had to make amends. And today, while with Even, Isak had had an idea. It scared him. Fear was good. Fear was a pain that made sense.





	Selfie

**Author's Note:**

> Written by Tuii's wife Laika, who is so, so sorry. This is dark. This is when Isak hits rock bottom. This is the tipping point. Be prepared.

“Dude, I really think you should get an actual therapist”, Even said on the screen after they had finished and were waiting for the time to run out.

‘I have one. I can’t talk about this to them.’

Even raised his eyebrow.

“Why not?”

‘They’d want me to stop.’

Even said nothing. Then he nodded slowly.

“See you tomorrow?”

‘You were fully booked. But soon.’

“Take care of --” The connection shut down. Even never let that happen mid-sentence, he was a fucking professional. Isak tried not to read too much into that.

He closed the window and put the lid down. The apartment was so silent and empty. Tom was at work. It had been relatively easy to convince Tom that Isak needed the laptop at home during the days. He had to write his CV. He had to make applications, look for jobs, that sort of stuff.

Tom was a fucking saint, Isak thought as he stood by the sink cleaning the toys he had used to humiliate himself for Even. He had a secret stash Tom knew nothing about. He had a secret webcam affair Tom knew nothing about. He had this whole dark painful world that had no place for his boyfriend and Isak hated that. But he knew what it was to share that world with someone you love with all your heart, and his heart hadn’t survived that.

When Isak did the things he did with Even he felt..not unhappy. Not horrible. All the other times he felt like shit, but with Even online he could shut that outside. For one hour, four or five times a week, he got to not feel. That was what kept him going. That and keeping an eye on Even. Checking in on him, without him knowing it was Isak, it was important.

But. As the weeks went by, Isak’s guilt over what he was doing to Tom had become unbearable. He had to make amends. And today, while with Even, Isak had had an idea. It scared him. Fear was good. Fear was a pain that made sense.

After the toys were cleaned and stashed safely away Isak returned to the bedroom. He was still naked. He glanced at the laptop nervously. But he opened the lid and turned the camera on.

Isak took a deep breath, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the screen, staring at the floor. Then he slowly lifted his eyes. There he was. On the screen, mirrored, his every movement caught by the lense. His naked body, some red marks still visible but rapidly fading, by the time Tom got home they’d be gone.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispered to his image. “Just fucking breathe.”

It was both a good advice and a hard task. Isak’s heart beat so fast in his ears that all he heard was a constant static noise. Every neuron and nerve end in his body fired up, flashing like a tropical thunderstorm. Isak wanted to run away. He wanted to close his eyes, look away, cover himself, kick that fucking laptop on the floor. He didn’t. He sat there, looking, staring at his nudity and trying to force himself to hit record.

Isak was convinced that someone was watching him. That the camera was hacked and now someone, somewhere, was looking at his nudity and he didn’t know, couldn’t know. Isak’s hands shook so much it was difficult to hit the red button on the screen, but he did it. It was recording. He was turning into light and written down with magnets, turned into electricity and pixels and there he was, on the screen, like the crappy laptop camera had captured his fucking soul.

“Fuck”, Isak whispered, barely audibly. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He couldn’t do this. He had to do this. He owed it to someone who loved him.

He sat still for the longest time. He looked at the timer rolling forward, milliseconds and seconds turning into minutes. He looked at himself, immobile, like a statue. He knew he had to try moving, but he was scared stiff. He would fucking die.

The afternoon was hell. But Isak had pushed himself, pushed past and through his panic, and hours later he was done. He could move his arm and see it happen on the screen. He could watch his nipple harden as he pinched it. He felt sick to his stomach but he could operate and that was the exact point where he wanted to be. His eyes were calm. His face was stoic. Everything under the surface was in turmoil but that was what he was going for. Tom would be home soon and Isak was fucking prepared.

Deleting the file didn’t feel like enough. Isak had deleted it permanently, wiped it off the hard drive but the thought of setting the laptop on fire didn’t feel exaggerated at all. But that would’ve been a bit too hard to explain. Besides time was running out, Isak had to take a shower, get dressed and warm himself back up before Tom got home.

 

When the front door opened Isak’s lips had only a pale hue of blue left on them. The light of his smile hid it well enough as he went to meet his man and kiss him welcome.

“How was work?” Isak asked. He was surprised how well he kept his cool. He was a better liar than he wanted to think he was.

Tom smiled wearily.

“Exhausting. It’s so good to be home again.”

Isak returned the smile. He reached up and kissed his boyfriend again, resting his hand on his cheek, pressing his body briefly against Tom.

“I missed you”, he purred, letting go just noticeably slower than normal. He had learned a lot of Tom’s buttons and knew how to push them.

“Missed you too, love”, Tom replied and wrapped his arms around Isak. Tom picked him up and carried him to the kitchen. “But I’m starving.”

Isak giggled and sighed, running his fingers through Tom’s hair.

“Then eat something. I’ve already eaten.” It was a lie, but he couldn’t eat now. Not one bite, he was way too nauseated.

Tom put him down gently.

“Yes, yes, my love. You’re eager today.”

“I have a surprise for you”, Isak said and blushed a bit. A part of him was excited, but it was a tiny part. He was terrified and excited and the slightest bit horny.

“Really? What is it?”

Isak shook his head, still smiling, blushing.

“After dinner. But I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Tom made an unofficial record in preparing and finishing a dinner for one. Something warm bubbled in Isak, it felt genuinely good to see how much Tom wanted him. Sure, Tom had no idea about how horrible he was, but he wanted him and that felt nice. As Tom stood up from the dinner table and stepped closer, Isak’s stomach made a somersault.

“Good boy”, Isak said, smirking. “You’ve earned your treat.”

Tom reached him and embraced him. His hug was still the safest place on Earth. Isak pressed his face into Tom’s chest, suddenly shy.

“I want to fuck you on camera”, he mumbled. He felt Tom freeze. He hoped it was in a good way.

“Excuse me?” Tom asked.

“I want to fuck you. On camera.”

Isak raised his chin as Tom’s fingers directed it. He looked up at Tom’s eyes. They were dark.

“Are you sure?”

Isak nodded. “Fucking positive. I’ve been shitty for weeks, I want to do something nice for a change.”

Tom looked at him saying nothing. Isak started feeling nervous.

“Don’t you want to?”

“Can I fuck you?” Tom asked. Isak shook his head.

“I can’t let go like that yet. Maybe next time.” It was a lie. It would have been easier for him to be the bottom, just let Tom do whatever he wanted and imagine he was somewhere else. Isak did not deserve easy.

Tom hid his possible disappointment well. He kissed Isak, passionately, pulling him hard against his chest.

“Just be gentle, okay? You know I can’t take it as rough as you.”

Isak smiled softly.

“I promise.”

He kissed Tom. Tom kissed him. Somewhere between those kisses they had entered the bedroom. Isak’s skin prickled and tingled.

“What camera shall we use?” Tom asked, his voice hoarse and low. He was so turned on by this. Isak loved it.

“The laptop. No wifi on.” Isak would take no chances of the video leaking to the internet.

Tom set the laptop up for them. Isak shivered when he saw himself on screen, on the bed. His heart started racing again, in a panicked gallop. As Tom came to him Isak fucking devoured him. He shoved his tongue inside Tom’s mouth, practically ripped his clothes off. Tom undressed him as well, gentler, his strong hands caressing Isak’s body. His touches lit him up like a torch, he was just so. Fucking. Warm.

By the time they were both naked Isak had briefly forgotten about the camera. He was turned on, worked up, he was rock hard. He didn’t top Tom often but when he did it was fucking hot. Tom made such wonderful sounds.

His relief was shortlived. He saw movement at the corner of his eye and realized it was him, them, on camera, and his heart raced again. Tom was wonderful, but even his warmth couldn’t handle the darkness within Isak right now.

Isak pushed Tom on his back on the bed, his eyes shining dark. Tom gasped, surprised but pleased. For him Isak probably just seemed horny and enthusiastic.

“Can I be rough in foreplay?” Isak asked, leaning over Tom to stroke his chest with the tip of his fingernail. “I want to make you scream.”

Isak didn’t really know why he said those things. He wasn’t even sure if they were true. He just wanted to make Tom react, make him see that something was wrong. He wanted Tom to save him from this punishment he had sentenced himself to.

It didn’t work. Tom looked puzzled for a moment, but then he nodded with the same determination Isak had seen earlier on the screen in his own eyes. His lover wanted something, needed something, and he wanted to deliver. Fucker.

“I love you”, Tom whispered. Isak replied with a growl and attacked him. He pounced Tom, trapping him under his body, he started kissing his neck more with his teeth than his lips. He dug his fingernails into Tom’s shoulders. Tom whimpered, he twitched, let out a pained  _ ah! _ every now and then but he didn’t resist. Whatever Isak did, Tom took it, bravely, submissive.

Isak felt the darkness overcome him. He let it swallow him, consume him, his outlines faded and blended to blackness more and more with every sound Tom made under him. He was a black mass of cancer and madness, spreading and growing like an infection.

“STOP! Fuck!” Isak heard Tom yell. He stopped moving, he noticed he was tasting blood, he had no idea whose it was. He realized that this hadn’t been the first time Tom had asked him to stop. Had he blacked out?

Tom pushed him off him and sat up. Isak couldn’t move. He had fucked up, again, and he knew it.

“What the fuck Isak? What’s wrong with you?” Tom tried his shoulder. He touched his wound and then looked at his bloody fingertips, not believing his eyes. “I need to go to the ER. Human bites are infectious as hell. Fuck!”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He had no words. There were no words. Tom grabbed his arm, firmly, not to hurt him but to get his attention.

“Isak. What is wrong?”

“You need to go”, Isak managed to get out of himself. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

“Oh I’m going”, Tom grunted as he stood up and went to the bathroom to get his wound covered before putting his clothes on. Isak stayed on the bed, motionless. Numb. Black.

“Aren’t you coming with me?” Tom asked at the bedroom door.

“I can’t”, Isak whispered. “Please don’t leave me. I need you.”

“Fuck you, Isak. Fuck you, and your bullshit. You fucking BIT ME and it’s still all about you.” Tom had never raised his voice at Isak this much. Not once. “I’m going now. When I get back we’re putting you on meds or something. Sorting your shit out. Fuck!”

Isak didn’t move. He didn’t even wince when Tom slammed the apartment door shut. He had said “when I get back”, so he was going to return. It was going to be okay.

Isak turned slowly on his side and reached for the laptop. There was a movie he needed to watch.


End file.
